And If There Isn't Life?
by UnintendedTrustFall
Summary: Set right after 3x13. Caitlin, still upset about Cisco's request on Earth-2, storms out on her date with Julian to go talk to Cisco about what he said.


_*Set right after 3x13. **Please review**_

* * *

It had been eating at her since he'd said it. And she didn't want it to ruin this, because she'd been starting to like Julian. She couldn't explain why, she never could with the guys she started to take an interest in. But this had been such a blatant disregard for someone she really cared about. And she couldn't ignore it anymore. Steak be damned.

"What did you mean, back in the cell?" She said suddenly, setting her fork down alongside the steak she'd barely touched yet.

Julian smiled. Clearly he thought she was referring to something else.

"I worry about you, Caitlin. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I don't want you to give up just to-"

"I meant about killing Cisco."

She'd said it bluntly. Flat. Her tone was razor sharp and every part of her that had a crush on Julian was screaming: what are you doing?! You're on a date with him, don't ruin this!

"Oh." He said, looking a little uncomfortable, "I just... I just meant he made sense."

 _Made sense._

"It makes sense to kill Cisco?!" Dammit. There was no saving this date now, Caity.

"No! I mean, that's not what I meant at all," Julian said, setting down his own utensils, "I mean he's a brilliant engineer, Caitlin, and a damn fine strategist at times, and in that situation, it was one of the only ways-"

"But that's not what we did, was it?!" Caitlin said, her voice rising.

She didn't like this. She didn't like that she was causing a scene. She didn't like that she was picking a fight on her first date with Julian. She didn't like that she was letting herself pin something that Cisco had suggested first on Julian.

But she also didn't like how quickly he'd agreed. And right now, that was more important to her.

"No, this is not- I didn't suggest it, Cait, Cisco said it first! And if he was willing to sacrifice himself- wait, no, no... that's not what I meant..."

Whatever he had meant was lost on Caitlin because she'd stood up and grabbed her coat. She was really causing a scene now.

* * *

She wasn't even sure she knew where she was going until she found herself on the subway line that would take her toward Cisco's apartment. She sighed to herself and made her way there. She'd have to talk to him about this at some point.

She knocked three times on his door. It didn't take long for him to answer, and when he did he looked tired. Not like she'd woken him, but that same sort of tired that he'd been trying to ignore for weeks. Maybe months. He was sleeping. But not enough.

"Can I come in?"

He smirked, almost looking nervous.

"What's up, is it attack of the planet of the apes already?" Cisco said sarcastically, as he shut the door behind her.

"No, but it's about that," Caitlin said. She sounded just as blunt as she had talking to Julian. "Why did you... why did you suggest I kill you?"

"No, no," he shook his head, "I'm sorry, Cait, I don't know why I said that, I don't want you to have to use your Killer Frost powers either, I just-"

"This isn't about me using my powers! I mean, why did you say me or Barry or anybody could kill you?!"

Cisco shrugged.

"It's like I said. They couldn't get back to our Earth without me there to create a breach."

Caitlin flushed. She felt hot tears collecting in her eyes. It weighed on her heart, heavy and painful.

"Cisco... did you... do you want to die?"

Now it was his turn to flush. His neck and jaw and cheeks turned pink, and he refused to face her.

"Cait..."

"You do, don't you?"

He sank down into his couch, still refusing to meet her eyes.

"Well... it's not like I'm gonna... kill myself or anything. But... y'know... if somebody's gotta go, why not me?"

"Why _should_ it be you, Cisco?!" Caitlin was doing everything she could to keep from crying, "We care about you! All of us! We need you here! You're not... why wouldn't you want to stay?"

"I don't... look. What good am I alive? I mean my powers don't do anything but let me see everybody's worst possible outcomes. I mean, Iris dead? You as Killer Frost? And I can't save anybody, okay? I'm not fast like Barry, I can't stop someone from dying, like you, I just... Dante's dead. Dante's gone and I couldn't save him." Cisco ran a shaky hand through his hair, "I'm no good to anybody alive, Cait. So if I can help everybody by being dead? Why shouldn't I die?"

Caitlin had expected Cisco to say he was lost. She'd expected him to have _considered_ suicide. She didn't like it, and she wished she could help him but she really hadn't expected this. She hadn't expected him to think his life was beyond worthless.

That he was no use to the world unless he was dead.

She couldn't find the words to assure him that no, Cisco, you have value beyond your powers. And Dante being dead is not your fault.

"Cisco..." she was on the verge of tears, "There's no reason you _should_ die! Your powers are not who you are, and if they're hurting you... and Dante was not your fault- there was nothing you could do! There was nothing anybody could do!"

Cisco gave a weak kind of smile.

"Yeah, well... I'm sorry I brought it up. Won't happen again."

"Cisco!" Caitlin took his hand, turning to face him, "Please, talk to me!"

Cisco maintained that weak, faked smile.

"About what?"

"Anything! Anything you need to! I don't want you to feel like this! I can't... you can't die, Cisco. I don't... I don't wanna do this without you."

Cisco sat down on the end of his couch, staring at his feet.

"Cait..."

"No, Cisco, I'm serious!" She moved closer, sitting down on the ottoman facing him, "If you want to talk about this, talk to me. Or somebody. Anybody! You can't keep this all in if it's... Cisco, I don't wanna lose you!"

Cisco sighed. He stood up and walked a few feet away, back to Caitlin, refusing to face her.

"I just... I don't know how to live like this, Caitlin." His voice was near breaking, but he fought to keep it steady. "I have... superpowers. But they don't help people, they don't _save_ people... I mean, I want more than anything to help you with your whole Killer Frost thing, but all I can do is see whether or not you become her... and... I still have nightmares about us fighting every other night... Vibe versus Killer Frost style..."

"Cisco..."

He turned around, finally facing her, tears in his eyes, "I mean, you said it yourself, only Alchemy can help you... So, you'll still have Julian around when I'm gone... And Grodd and a hundred other assholes from other Earths can all use me to get here, so... I mean, if I'm dead they can't get through any breaches, now, can they?!" His voice was rising, starting to shake with the tears he wouldn't let go, "Who knows what other bad shit I can do, I mean, Reverb said we could be gods, but he's just an evil douchebag with a manbun, so, who's to say that's not what I'll become? If I try to use my powers for good?"

"Cisco, you-"

"And Dante's dead!" Cisco practically shouted, tears finally falling, "And I couldn't do _anything_ to save him! I'm _useless_! I can't sleep without seeing you go dark side or Grodd use me to open a breach or Iris die or Dante die... And I can't stop _any_ of it!"

Cisco sank down into the couch again, defeated.

"I don't think I can keep living like this."

Caitlin inched closer to him across the ottoman. Touching his knee, she said,

"You are not your powers, Cisco. And I'm sorry that your powers make you see everything bad that might happen... or that already did." Caitlin took a deep breath and rose from the ottoman, sitting down next to Cisco on the couch, "But you aren't worthless. Powers or no, you're important to us. All of us. I mean, what would Team Flash be without it's self-proclaimed supervillain namer?" Caitlin said, and he smiled a little. "You've still got us, Cisco."

He laid his head back and sighed, still smiling, the smallest of smiles. But it was a start. It was something.

"I just walked out in the middle of dinner on Julian, by the way, so I doubt Alchemy is gonna help me with this 'whole Killer Frost thing'."

Cisco's head snapped up and he looked at Caitlin, "You caused a scene?!"

"I caused a scene."

Cisco sighed, tisk tisking her as he laid his head back against the back of the couch, "Never thought I'd see the day. Caitlin Snow, storming out on a date." staring up at the ceiling, he added, "Why?"

Caitlin shrugged, "He was more worried about me becoming Killer Frost than about you dying."

Cisco half laughed.

"I mean, he was freaked out on Earth-2. I don't think he-"

"No..." Caitlin sighed, "He probably didn't mean it like that. But he pissed me off over there."

Caitlin saw Cisco looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but she just smiled and said,

"No steak is good enough to make me forget that."

* * *

THE END


End file.
